17 October 2007

I'm here.

Did you think I wasn't here? I was starting to wonder myself.

I'm here though, busy at work with expanding duties and changing leadership and full-time possibilities that I'm wrestling with thinking about entertaining maybe.

Busy being filled to capacity with what-ifs and why-nots.

Busy putting off taking the NCTMB exam for my licensure because it costs a fistful of money and also because I crunched some numbers I should have crunched about a year and a half ago and it all looks a little dismal from here with regard to the earning potential that comes with said license.

Busy at home trying to be as mentally present as I can be with Birdy when we are physically there together, busy watching her get bigger and funnier and more imaginative, watching the days fly by, trying to plan a birthday shindig, trying to wrap my brain around the number two, as in two years, as in seven hundred thirty days ago tomorrow my water broke and Birdy entered the world and changed it forever.

But.

There is much work to be done here today. Family budgets are collecting dust and falling apart, bills are piling up, my house is getting grungier, shabbier, and more neglected as the days pass, but the job that pays the bills is the job that wins the attention on this Wednesday. How my temporary, "get through school" job has turned into the real thing-- a time-sucker, a desk-sitter, a brain-taxer-- is a fact that baffles me daily. Did I let it happen or did I want it to happen? Did I ask for it or did I fall into it? Am I beating 'em or joining 'em?

1 comment:

Kim said...

My son will be two in December and I'm trying now to comprehend that myself.

I had a "get through school" job, I'm not through school yet but I'm rather glad that I was laid off last week. It gives me a good reason to find a better job at least closer to the field that I am actually going to school for.